The Moment

I seem to be spending a lot of time in hospitals, medical office and funeral homes these days. It wasn't always like this. I remember parties, sports venues, baby showers and weddings.

In Ecclesiastes we read: To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

One secret of living well is to learn what time it is and to be fully present in the moment. That moment is all we really have in time.

 Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
 ¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
 ²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
 ³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
 ⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
 ⁵A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
 ⁶A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
 ⁷A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
 ⁸A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. (KJV)

Decisions

During a rough patch in our marriage, my husband and I were seeing a counselor. At one point he said something quite illuminating. "I can't tell where one of you ends and the other begins."

At that moment, in my mind's eye, I could see a bunch of color crayons in the back window of a car. They had been there in the summer heat and melted together in one large amorphous mass. The purpose of a crayon is to color a specific area with a certain hue. If you can't separate one from the other, you can't use it.

Extrapolating, I decided that if I had no boundaries, I  was of no use to myself or anyone else. Beginning that day, I started making boundaries in my life. The first boundary was that I would do nothing under duress or pressure unless I decided to do it. It had to be my volition, not a kowtow to someone else.

Then I began to look at things I wanted to accomplish in my life. Making a road map for them became a high priority. And I'm happy to say that I'm on the way to getting some of them done.

Making these decisions was much like going on a diet or, more euphemistically, a strict eating plan. If you are starting a diet, you purge the kitchen of all things forbidden on that diet. You schedule meals around the points or calories or portion options. You plan menus a week in advance. Your grocery trips revolve around the fresh produce, and meat and dairy counters. You avoid the snack aisle and the end caps filled with candies and baked goods.

If your eating plan is worth that kind of effort, isn't your life worth it, also?

You may decide to limit your club groups or scheduled outings in favor of a specific hobby or avocation. You may limit your time with friendly acquaintances to spend more quality time with closer friends. You might take up a hobby or business pursuit for which you haven't made the time before.

The trick is to decide levels of importance in your life.

For me, family comes first. I have lost enough people in my life to cherish the importance of family. Second is my private time. I've earned the right to have some time to myself, and I don't let people intrude on it. My third priority is my writing. Making time for it required adjusting my working hours at my day job and juggling my household responsibilities. But I have them in equilibrium now and will work to keep them that way.

I could go further, but you get the idea. Your priorities will be different from mine. And that's just fine. Remember that the ultimate goal is to Live Well. Anything that does not contribute to your living well can be eliminated.

Happy housecleaning.

As My Grandmother Used To Say

My grandmother used to say "living well is the best revenge." This was generally in response to my complaint that someone had been unfair or mean or done something really hurtful to me. During my seventy-plus years, many things have happened that could have soured my life.

In the first place, my parents divorced when I was quite young. Although he was always welcome in my maternal grandparents' home, my biological father was seldom a visitor.  In consequence, I grew up as the only child in our small rural community without a father in the home.   On the rare occasions when I lamented my lack of a father, my grandmother quoted "living well is the best revenge." That removed any thought of "getting even" or "making him pay" for being absent.

I had my grandfather and my godfather (our community physician) as male role models. So I went ahead and built my life around the people who were in my life at the time. On the rare occasions when my father arrived (once when I was six, and again when I was twenty-one and my daughter was six months old), he was amazed that I didn't actually remember him. This habit persisted til he died. He'd show up unexpectedly at my front door after an absence of several years, expecting me to be waiting with folded hands and bated breath for him to reappear. He was always disappointed - all six times. I had a life, and I was busy living it.

I was never rude or inhospitable to him when he showed up unexpectedly. My grandmother had a very few cardinal rules. One of them dealt with visitors. "I don't care how you feel about it; you will put on a pretty face and be nice to the company." It was a given that was never questioned. You were never rude nor inhospitable with her around. And it pays off. You never have regrets about being nasty to someone in the heat of anger or frustration when you live by that motto.

I have never regretted making a life without him. Nor have I ever regretted being welcoming and hospitable when he arrived.  Probably this entire meandering is meant to say that making a good life should be the focus of our attentions, not the slights and unfairness we all encounter from time to time.

Make it a policy to live well. You will never regret it.